26th December 2007 - midnight 12:00 hrs GMT -->
"I love her, I really do.” said Raj. Tears glistened from his eyes as he embraced me and said,” Thanks Ramu. I owe you my life for making me realize how stupid and egoistic I have been." His eyes had that look which meant he really knew and understood what he was saying.
I made him call her immediately. They spoke for quite a while, and he cried throughout. But in the end, it was a beginning of a fresh phase to their relation – finally, the phase of love.
25th December 2007 - 23:30 hrs GMT -->
He plunged into another sip of his Scottish whisky, while he called up the waiter for another pair of 'quarter' glasses to be served. Likewise to how the 'drunkards' behave in Hindi Cinema when they are outburst in emotions of agony and ecstasy; the same was the case with him today.
The sip digged into his oesophagus a bit too quickly, burning in all the way, and commotion ensued at our table as my 'heart-broken' friend coughed in full throttle like a 'long unused car' sputters on the first ignition. It was indeed a first ignition in his merry life, all that he had discovered in our small town at UK where we were all commissioned as IT professionals for BT.
I always thought how funny it was with him. Almost every instance I was alone next to him sipping in my 'mug' of soft drink or maybe a juice once in a while, and he would still turn up ordering 2 glasses of whisky. He believed in the saying that we must always booze with somebody else to share in the health of the togetherness. He had no choice though, in the bloody European tour bus in which I entailed him all the way to Geneva, then to Rome and then to Paris on the last leg of our 'Tour De Europe'.
He worked for HCL in India, and I was an enterprise of Infotech. It was surprising that both of us had the same first two letters of our name, but there was nothing else in common between us. Nobody of us complained that 'Raj' and 'Ram' are but 2 common names of India. But it was fun though, as the Englishmen had a tough time calling us by our right names.
Rishita, that was her name. She was also from my company though I had never seen her before until I saw her in UK. She was sweet and had curly hairs and a rather sober voice for her getup. Extremely emotional and catchy to her thoughts, it was a real wonder how she fell in love with Raj. It really was the best example to maybe reiterate on my belief, 'Opposites attract'. There was really nothing in common between them. However they were together every time. I arrived rather late in the scene to know how they actually met and became fond of each other, but it really was true that they loved each other a lot.
“Nashe ka din aaya hai aaj, gham ki ghata ne diya saath hai..
Judaai uski yu sataa rahi hai ki, Ansuon main bhi meghnath hai!”
He sang so loudly, was so hoarse, that my hands automatically broke over my brains orders and they went on to close my ears. Sighs, claps and appreciation broke amongst the few people in the Pub, though I am not sure if even 10% of those French idiots understood what was told.
“What’s it with you now?” I tried to break a conversation, after watching him sway around his eyes in aggrieved disgruntle to everything he could see.
“What…what can it be? I am fine…just fine, c’mon this is the way to chill ar’nd when you’r in a trip monsieur, it’s a cock-a-doodle-dun affair…”. Only he was capable to understand what he meant in the last line. He was not in his full senses maybe, but I had to talk to him however difficult it may get. That one phone, the silly phone call ruined all our evening plans and still I could not complain to him in any other way.
“This is fine? It really is, isn’t it…ha?” out came my scornful, sarcastic words.
“A guy here dresses up to go to the Odeon to watch his first charismatic French play and feel the richness of the French revolution, and ends up going to a bar, drinking as he had never drank all his life. And now he fancies living with the thought that all’s nice around. C’mon dude…everything is wrong in this place. All’s been so after that phone call…and I am hangin’ around with you in this piece of shit, so can I please know what’s the matter actually?” I carefully softened my tone to try and not confound him in more agony and repent for ruining my evening all over. However my attempt was futile.
“You are right bro! You are absolutely correct. I am such a great screwer… I screwed your evening bigtime! I would say you could never ever have imagined yourself in the rich outfit you are presently wrapped up - for the all-exclusive Odeon show. And now you are hung up with me here. I am not ok…I need serious changes…I am diseased…my mind is diseased, my soul is diseased…I am a screwer…bigtime screwer. I can screw everybody’s life by my sole presence… your’s, Rishita’s…mine’s…uhh..!!" He panted as he spoke non-stop in a gush, his emotions speaking over his mind. I scowled within myself, he had mentioned about my dressing for the evening!
I waited for him to continue, but he stopped. Silence fell on our table even though the Pub was filled in its lee business hours of this ‘Christmas weeks Friday night’. Our conversation had to continue so I spoke up, “Its not so Raju…I mean don’t feel bad about me over here and all. I am fine here as well…it’s a good little pub and the babes here are really fascinating. On a second thought it’s a better bargain for me rather than the boring French revolution play, we would make heck no sense of!!” It was queer I was actually discovering the truth of all I said, even as I muttered to him. Well French gals are really hot must say, I conjectured within.
“But I am just curious to know what made you change your plans? What was that call all about? Whom were you speaking to? Rishita?” I continued probing him. He raised his eyebrows slightly but corrected immediately, trying to dig in on what he heard and still act unaffected. It was too slow for me though, and I had caught him unawares.
“Err...Rishita? Umm…why would she call me? She knows we are here in this trip, and if you remember we had asked her and Sanju if they wanted to join in. They just said ‘No’. So why would she call me?” I could see him escape my gaze as he said. His answers were unjustifiable and incomplete. He knew it and we both waited in silence for him to correct.
Again the silence, so I broke in a lie. “Sanju called me while you were busy in the afternoon, she was telling me Rishu was feeling upset for something between both of you. Can you imagine Sanju calling me! It has to be something damn serious for her to ever call me!” It was true. Sanju would never call me and everybody amongst us knew it. We hated each other as much as we could stand over, though we never showed it on our faces! It was not possible to act so at client location, so we preferred silence to un-professional behaviour. I could never stand her boyish behaviour and she could never stand my outright straight-on-your-face behaviour.
Raj was too much in his drunken state to realize that I had made the most slanderous bluff myself. “I never called anybody! But now that you remind me, Sanju did call me in the afternoon sometime, but that was just general stuff.”
“See Raj, there is no point in me probing you further. I think you have decided not to share your problems with your bro. Let me remind you again that your mobile has been with me all day today in my camera bag, just because it kept falling from your bungee outfit trouser. There have been no calls till we came back for the evening trip and I don’t want to coax you anymore….” Sometimes such sentimental outbursts help the assailant suddenly give in. This scheme always works so well…I would call it the ‘Guerilla tactics’. It worked this time too!
“Aisi baat nahi hai dost…” He extended his arms to ask me a ‘Hi5’ but I was not going to respond till he sucked out all that I wanted to hear.
“Well Yeah, Rishita was the one who called up. A few days back I had a fight with her and then it’s been very less that I have interacted with her.” He had a sheepish look in his face and I could see that the whisky, which had digged in, was finally evaporating to all the revealing from his book of secrets he hadn’t opened in front of me as yet.
“So you love her, don’t you?” the straight-on-your-face person within me took over. Raj was startled by my words. Whisky drained over his stomach and the entire little hangover within him evaporated to thin air. I guess he was more embarrassed on the fact that he hid this from me.
“Tell me Raj, at least now tell me?” I tried to come out of the Guerilla tactics, now concentrating to get more useful information and set the platform for him to begin.
“I liked her a lot actually. I did. But it’s all gone now. I don’t find anything ahead, so lets not talk about it Ram”. He knew it was not the end of conversation. My silence told him that I was not going to move till he continued.
“She is, uhh.” His pain was growing on his face as he continued. “She is so much sticky on everything. She feels I fool around her for nothing.” Well she wasn’t so wrong enough on some of his behaviours and I knew it well as a friend. But this time it was about love, a different emotion, and a different relation. I had to draw him out of the friendship world with her - into the world of love.
“I don’t think you exactly answered my question. I just needed a ‘Yes’ or a ‘No’ in response. Do you love her?” my mind grappling to find answers on his exact thought of it.
“I told you naa, I just like her a lot. I mean she is one whom I would always want around me, but I’m kind of…I mean I am...I have lost her and she will…. ok…let me put it this way….” He was on his own when he spoke. I could feel he was trying to admit to himself. “I think she is all ready to loose me, and I am not given a choice.”, he continued.
There was a silent period. Even as the pub carried its merry time, we both were busy. Raj was thinking how he could make me understand what’s going terribly wrong. I was trying to surmise how far had their relation been from true love.
Hoping I would speak up something he continued, “I did not mean to hide anything from you buddy, but then you know all was not going smooth anyways and we were still understanding each other so I would not make myself be a fool in front of you. You are my only true friend here, so I wanted to tell you about everything….” He halted suddenly. The phone rang and I had to pitch in with a call.
“Raj, have you ever tried to get answers to the question like what does a relation needs to sustain for long? Do you miss her only for what you liked in her? Do you think that she is ready to forget you?” I paused to bring myself to track on what I was saying and what I planned to say. This happens when you have a string of wise words to share, and you kind‘a look about on yourself to put pieces together in such a way that the listener can make sense of it. Plain enough, I was in such jeopardy as of now. And the listener was in pain, real pain.
“Ok Raj let me put it this way. When you like somebody, it means a few indications come from your heart saying that you unknowingly want to be with that special somebody. Always. On some lucky occasions, the same feeling is also going on the other end, and you get indications of the same. I assume both of you already crossed this stage…right?” I had begun my snitch.
There was a notable difference now. Raj was looking through the glass, straightening himself on the chair. I thought maybe he was trying to imagine all I said. “Yeahh…” he said, lost into recollection, even as a brief smile broke in on his appalled face and disappeared rapidly.
“Many times in such situations, we try to analyze and wonder what is it that makes you attracted to the person on the other side. These thoughts bring the exciting and positive things you find in the other person. This is the stage where you find the other person above friendship. However, we have not yet faced the perils of what we dislike in each other.” I almost tried to myself understand the truth of what I said.
“As we spend time together we have two things going on in our mind. First is the unknown apprehension every moment on how the person on the other side must be feeling about you. And secondly, you are loosing out on your natural self in trying to adjust for his/her dislikes regarding you. The relation is in a very delicate stage at this point.” I paused.
“Let me see, tell me what do you dislike in her?” I enquired as gently as possible.
“Umm...I think she has a kind of habit to over-react sometimes. You know she gets itched very easily on my behaviour with her friends.” Raj looked at me with a questioning glance. It was an indication for me to continue my analysis.
“Well I think she is right, don’t get me wrong Raj.” the straight-on-your-face person within me had taken over yet again. ”Anyways, my point is, do you think that with time she tried to become a bit subtle, and maybe you also tried to neglect her reactiveness, her over-excitement and things like that?” I added immediately.
“No Ram, she just keeps on holding my nerve on it. I am scolded for being a nerd and then cuddled over to make me think that she is still all right with it.” He frowned over as he spoke, but the wrinkles smoothed out as he ended.
“And what is it that you do in such situations?” I asked him. Along came silence and he was lost in his thoughts.
“I feel that you actually love her.” I finally decided to start from the end of what I was going to come to.
“You can’t stand her reactiveness, but you are absolutely missing her around you every moment. She is kind of pissed out on your nonchalant behaviour but is not ready to come with you for this trip. She is indicating you to think seriously about her.”
“The look of this all from the outside is that both would never be able to stand each other. But still you are missing each other absolutely well. This cannot happen without the power of love.”
“Love is not about what is shown in the movies as running around trees and singing traumatically. It is a strong bond that is strengthened by the hearts call and bred with the brains impudence to forget or neglect every bad thing about your loved one for the sake of his togetherness.”
“Love does not change with the regular fights that you have with her where you both keep telling each other how you both can’t stand that one bad thing about each other. It reaps on the inability of each of you to be able to stay separated for a moment.”
“Now the problem here is that both of you have an ocean of love for each other in your heart. However, there is no expression. You both know it, but can’t take up the challenge to express it. You both are running from each other, just because you cannot read yourselves. That explains why she was not ready to come and why you didn’t ask her again.”
“Now tell me what makes you think she has no feeling for you? Did she admit it anytime? What was that fight?” I wanted him to speak up.
However, I was unheard to him. Raj was thinking hard. He spoke up. “You are right Ram, I don’t have guts to tell her I like her more than I can imagine.”
“I adore her smile, I want to be sunk in her embrace. I want to make her feel I am always with her. I want to change myself but it will take sometime. I gave up smoking all because I didn’t want her to know I did before.” I was myself not aware he smoked ever!
“I am angry when she tries to over react on silly happenings but still I dream to fight with her ‘monkey-faced’ manager to make him realize how she has been ruined over her appraisals. I can’t withstand her crying for a moment and sulk away angrily when she cries because of me!”
“There is it Raj. That’s the root cause of the problem. You love her, but you are not brave enough to make her feel it. You run away when she feels bad about your behaviour. She needs you to be with her that time. You need to face her anger, and take her in your arms, make her feel you will try to improve. You need to set an example that you will be with her at all circumstances, even if it means that you both are sorting out a matter on your relations.” I responded instantly.
“How can she think of proceeding a serious relation with a guy who has not kept her from being insecure about her love? This must have happened enough times for her to break through and finally give over her own trust on her love for you.”
“You both are in pain…terrible pain, and you both are equally responsible for it. You need to make a beginning Raj; you really need to. As I repeat to you, I am sure man that you love her a lot.” I finally closed over.
29th December 2007 - evening 20:30 hrs GMT -->
We had returned from the European tour, but after office we had more fun ahead.
It was get-together time and all Indians had gathered over for a party. Swapnil and Sanika, unarguably the best Indian couple in our town that we knew of, were celebrating their third marriage anniversary.
“Married Life may begin together at any point and in anyways, be it from a love marriage or an arranged one. But love sustains in kindled hearts and transmits through lovely times of togetherness. Times maybe tough or it maybe times of success, but the feeling of always having your partner with you, is indeed the most comforting and encouraging part of your life. I have discovered this in every moment of my married life with Sanika.” Amidst claps from the audience, Swapnil embraced her affectionately as he ended his short speech.
Raj and Rishita came over to me after the dinner. “Nice to see now you both have your hand-in-hand and are not hiding anymore from me.” I told immediately. We all broke into laughter as Rishu gave a sheepish smile and hid behind Raj in shy embarrassment.
“Ram, I can’t help but thank you for making us understand our relation. I shall owe you for this.” Rishita broke in. I obliged in return with a smile. “Hey guys, its all about both of you. I was just reading what was written on your faces. You have nothing to owe me. Just promise to stay together.” I put in.
“We will.” they called in unison.
It was an amazing night and so I sulked over to a silent corner. Raj and Rishita were finally really happy and I was satisfied with how it happened. As the moonlight streamed through the darkness, I was lost in the clouds - I felt they formed a gigantic heart-like perforation in the sky.
“Thanks a lot Ram.” I was startled to hear Sanju speaking to me as I turned my gaze. She was silent for some time as our eyes met and my mind sunk into the reality that she was really speaking to me!
“I must owe you this time, to what you gave Rishita and Raj. This night has set their direction to love.” She finally put in and we both looked at the couple. I smiled and winked an acknowledgement as our eyes met again. We then proceeded to ponder at the clouds. I felt they were now clearing up on the canvas of the moonlit sky.
All that starts well ends well; I thought it meant maybe that this night also set the direction to my friendship with Sanju. Maybe we both silently realized that just like love, even friendship needs a bearing to each other’s falter.
- When My Heart Beats
Chirag Khara
