When I Lost Twice

“Ummmmmmm.... Mom, close them again please.” I shifted course on my bed, as the morning light shot on my eyes while the curtains moved away, and out I woke sighing and cribbing, just like those good ol’childhood days. It is difficult to get to sleep on your childhood bed for long, especially when you go to the age of being an earning and coming-to-responsible man. Life, dreams, endeavours, adventure and opportunities drive you away from those sweet moments of freedom, which were so much a part of your daily life as a child.

“Get up my son. Its already too late now and I have given you plenty of time to come out of your 'Jet-lags' and 'wonderful dreams with beautiful air-hostesses'. So get ready and be quick.”

“Oh my dear God, my mom knows me more than anybody. From all that I aspire, to all that I dream, she knows it all! Let me admit one thing, these mom's are your best creations buddy.” I pointed to nowhere and cuddled into my mom's arms.

“Enough lad, don't try to sugar me and buy more sleeping time...enough of your sleep. Stop calling God a buddy and get ready. I want to know how you’ve been all the time in UK?”

It was a struggling two-years time for me in UK, studying from the Leeds University, trying to put head together on a medical Masters in Statistical Epidemiology. It is said that life takes you to places and people, and yes when its on international destinations, you do study a lot more than you normally would. From preparing for the courses, to financial planning for my dreams, all was done and dusted with my loving parents help, and now it was my payback time. Returning back to home today, after so much time made India feel really special.

“Well Mom, not much updates from the last call I made you. My friends threw me a big farewell party and I have lots of stuff got for all of you.” I smuggled a piece of 'Naan-khatai' from my dad's breakfast dish, but she snapped it out of my fingers.

“You boys would never learn to talk and share. Get yourself freshened up first. Is 'serious working' somewhere in your timelines or you want to spend the rest of your lives in those Mc Donald restaurants only!” She muttered and went into her kitchen. I know my mom is proud of me. She may seem harsh and strict, but she loves me more than anybody, so much so that she never liked me having to work side-jobs and earn to contribute for my fees in the university.

Around afternoon time, the doorbell rang and rang repeatedly, the shrill voice filled up the whole house, and my mom almost knocked out her dishes as she ran out to open the door. “What is this Nidhu? Give us some time to at least open it!”

Nidhi is my elder sister, but more importantly my dearest friend. She knows all my secrets, big or small. And that’s how it is the other way round as well. It was a pact you could say...that pact which all brother-sister relation binds inherently.

She ran in, looked at me and exclaimed, “There you see, I told you naa mom, he must have grown thin by now. You have put down weight my brother. How are you dear?” Tears of joy glistened from her eyes instantaneously.

Tarun, my brother-in-law entered next and started laughing almost immediately. “There you go, here come the women H2O's.” All burst laughing even as we shook hands and he embraced me affectionately. Soon enough we were all in a get-together, I seemed to be talking endlessly. I dreamt myself in this happy situation all the days that I passed in UK, and finally I was living it. I realized how much I was relieved to be back home.

Tarun left after dinner, asking my sister to stay back with me and while all other retired for an exhaustive sleep, she ushered me into what was once her own sweety room, the place where we both shared our secrets in childhood.

After a brief silence, my sister shot a pierced questioning glance at me, settled her gaze to a steady line, and asked me, “So what happened of her?”

**********************
“I wanted to tell this to you for a long time. And like all others who face this situation, I was short of words. (Pause) I love you, Mithaali”, I looked straight into her eyes as my trembling lips spoke those magic words. I felt a crumble inside my stomach and my mouth went dry, I couldn't wonder why.

No "I like you's" or "I adore you's" or "I really think you are the sweetest" to check her reactions before blurting out more truths. Those schemes were not in my money for making proposals. The words from my mouth were flat, short and talked about my most deepest and pure sentiments for her.

They caught her midriff in wild fire, and she looked as if she was lost in surprise. Her beautiful eyelids fluttered slowly and she changed her vision to places at brief intervals. I thought she was preparing to tell something. After a brief moment that seemed like an eternity, she finally spoke, “Rahul, I don't know what to say. But let me begin it this way...” she paused.

I just don't realize how women master the art of keeping you guessing. I stared breathlessly with my mouth slightly open; to let the oxygen get in and out at its own convenience, allowing me to concentrate apprehensively, expecting every moment to hear a 'Yes' or a 'No' and end the gruelling wait for once and for all.

“Rahul, you are my best of friends. I really like you as one of them. I know I can confide on you more than anybody I know in this world. But I am not over it for a lifetime relation. My parents would not agree on it, and this would not go ahead.” she stopped torchering me finally.

We remained knowingly silent for the rest of our time as Star Bucks coffee shop continued to bustle around. Everything was normal from the outside, and nothing looked normal in the inside of both.

Rahul remembered the first time he met Mithaali, and how he was impressed by her thoughts and power to proceed on all odds and come over to UK for a career and a strong future. He always knew her to be focussed, looking towards becoming all that she dreamt of. Everything was clear for her mind, her targets, her life, her thoughts and her terms for her living. She shared all this with him more than anybody. He spent much of his time thinking about her, helping her in good times and the bad times as well. He remembered her tell many times, “Rahul yaar teri biwi badi ‘lucky’ hogi”. Yet on the brink of a decision called marriage, she seemed quite wanting to be ‘unlucky’, surprisingly different.

She looked at me with an assuring gesture took my palms in her hand and said, “My friendship with you will never end. And I know you will never disappoint me. I am sure you will understand my situation. I promise you Rahul; I can see ahead that you will get somebody much better than me.”

Her words were not making much sense to me, maybe because they left lots of questions unanswered.

That day I lost my first battle, I thought.

**********************
“Mom, I don’t want all this nonsense now. You go to the extent of calling them at home and not even letting me know? I was happy in UK only yaar, at least wouldn’t have to bear all this nautanki…” I banged the pieces of papers in my hands into the bin and they missed the target completely. She collected the scattered bits silently even as I marched past.

An hour later she came to me with a piece of paper and told, “Have a read at her bio-data my child… at least read what she thinks about herself.”

“Thanks a lot my darling mom, now I am made to read the ‘Preface’ of unknown people’s ‘biographies’ to prepare and attend marriage interviews. I am so very honoured today!” I gave a sarcastic grin and took the paper from her hand, stamping it on the bed quilt. I called up my sister immediately, but it rang busy.

By the time I got up for a bath, I was more calm and thoughtful. It was difficult for me to come out of the influence of what I thought about Mithaali, and there was no way I could involve in any other commitments in my life so soon. But I had to carry my life ahead, if not for myself but for my Mom and my Dad.

“All right sweetheart, I shall handle this one meeting and take it through without incident, but I don’t want any other from hereafter, am I clear?” I finally told my mom as we sat for the lunch. She softened instantly and pampered me, “Good boy. I knew you would understand me.”

“But remember mom, I bet this is not going to work out? So do not ask questions after the drama is over? ” I let out a prominent tatter in my words as they finished the line.

“I am sure you will loose this bet my son.” my mom replied. She looked at me with a teasing smile, waiting for me to open up a shy smile myself.

“Mom, I am the judge here, so only my team is winning. Is the logic clear?” I shoved confidently as I got up. My dad raised his eyebrows, looked at me without turning his face and smiled, I wondered why.

**********************
“I think now we can leave Rahul and Sunita for a while to talk through themselves and know each other better.” Like thorough professionals who have mastered the art for years, both the parents moved briskly to another room, and here I was all alone talking to an unknown person, fantasy of a possible “Arranged Marriage”.

We unwittingly observed two minutes of silence – it seemed as if both of us were mourning for what could be a prospectively permanent loss of our ultimate freedom called Bachelorship if this marriage ever were to happen.

She did look beautiful; we would make a good pair if thought that way. But that was not so important, she would not match Mithaali in any sense. I always had intuitions for girls in the first look, and those were always correct the very first time. She would not match Mithaali for sure; I made a final call to myself.

“Well my name is Rahul, and I just completed Masters in Statistical Epidemiology from Leeds University.” I finally tried to strike a conversation hoping to waste sometime and get out of there when possible.

“I know, I did read the Bio-data, before I agreed meeting up.” she responded immediately. I turned cold on such a stupid beginning from my side. I had not even read about her profession! Just her name and this meeting for the sake of a formality was all with what I began this journey.

I closed my eyes for few seconds, and finally got myself out of the jukebox, deciding to try and speak to her more easily. The conversation began with sharing interests, passions and went on to more underlying truths on our own thoughts about life. There was not much in common between us in terms of our goals, our passions, but she still had a strong impact on me. I liked her for something; I didn’t know what it was then. I was thoroughly confused.

“I am actually looking for a partner who has a focussed career path in mind. Somebody who knows what she wants to become and can do it on her own. I wanna give her that independence of her own. I want her to have an individual identity in the family. And yaa, of course she should be caring and friendly too.” I told her boldly. She listened to me intently, and probably in herself she didn’t look surprised!

As I had not read about her in the bio-data which mom gave me, I had to think of a diplomatic way to get information from herself about her own. So I began, “How do you normally spend your day – I mean in terms of the routines?”

“I work mornings as a clinical research analyst in the Jivraj Mehta hospital, and in the afternoon times, I spend time at the Ramsukhbhai School for mentally challenged children.” She said proudly.

I was dumbfounded. I felt the earth below me shake a bit, as I heard those words. I couldn’t believe Mom picked her for me! This was utter waste of time, I thought.

“You might wonder where my focus in life is, isn’t it?” she continued. “What I am expecting in this marriage is a friend who can help me to accomplish my dream. I don’t think that I was educated to run all my life just behind money and not do all that I dreamt of.” She was looking into my eyes as she spoke. I am sure she was analyzing every moment if I was interested to hear furthermore.

“Can you tell me what does that mean?” I blurted without a thought. After reading her eyes, I wanted to know more myself.

“I have spent many years of my life in education and understanding the way the world behaves. I know God has been very kind to me; I have achieved all that I wanted. But I have learned that I need to share all this with as many people around as possible. Happiness is not about going to many places for a trip more occasionally then others. It’s about doing all that your heart wants at some point of time.” She paused.

“I want a lovable husband who can take up the job of securing the future of both of us, and while I take care of home and my career, we both allow our time to do what we wanted to do all our life – serve the needy and the inopportuned.” I heard her say.

“Do you mean to say you don’t think money and fun is important in life?” I almost jerked out on her affable but impractical way of thinking.

“Of course I like to have fun and parties once in a while. Who doesn’t like it? But I have seen many couples that spend all their lives running to earn a lot of money. I have also seen couples that are struggling to do well in their ways, because they don’t come out of their ego and share responsibilities, success and failure. I think all of them are making one common mistake.” She looked downwards and paused to straighten the ‘pallu’ of her long salwaar she was wearing.

“What is that one thing?” I desperately wanted to hear her say more. It was a new perspective of living I wanted to hear more on.

“When I see people in pain, when I see troubles or ignorance, I aspire to remove them from this world. I become an Engineer to build better places, a Doctor to help all people fight diseases, an IT professional to help me get things done quickly more easily, more accurately and a reporter to spread awareness and kill ignorance all over the world. We do this because in our childhood, we decide to secure a future for ourselves and then transmit opportunities to others when we are self-satisfied. Even I dreamt this in my childhood, but I have kept my focus in it even now. We complicate our lives because we never realize when we’ll reach the stage of self-satisfaction. All that we get is never enough for us, and we forget to share.” I discovered she had a firm beautiful voice.

“I totally agree to you.” I meekly put in. Silence fell in again.

**********************
“Shantanu, don’t try to climb over that Rock.” She chided on him rolling her eyes in a false show of anger. He quickly retarded his action and went back to playing with the Abacus.

I don’t know what made me do so, but I called Sunita up that morning and told her I wanted to spend sometime in Ramsukhbhai School. I reached there impromptu about what I was going to talk to her. Maybe for that one day, I wanted to feel her rather than talk to her.

“Thanks for coming. My students like new visitors. Would you play with them?” she said thus and looked at me questioningly. “I surely will. Time for me to learn Math better using the Abacus.” I put in. We laughed.

I sat with her in a small porch in the vicinity of all the kids playing in the fenced garden. All of the children were occupied in their art. It seemed like colours had been sprayed around me. The scene was wonderful.

“Many teachers have their own reason for being here. Some do to keep themselves engaged and run away from the problems they spend each passing day. Some do so because they can’t forget how they have missed their opportunities, and how they must contribute the rest of their life in here. But my reasons suggests I am greedy.”

“Is it?? How can you be greedy for helping them build up their life?” I almost exclaimed.

“When I spend time at the Jivraj Mehta Hospital, I am looking into career prospects and remaining independently earning. Since you are in medical science yourself, you would know how Medical research is necessary in bio-medical ethics and public health laws. I work for Human Cell stem research, studying advancements in the umbilical cord care, adolescent health care and data analysis on medical informatics.” It was interesting to know her doing so well in so many fields already at this young age. She had to be very intelligent.

“But I think in everybody’s life you have good situations and some bad times as well. Like every other person, I have times where I feel rejections, get dejected or unlucky. In those evenings when I come down here, I find how lucky I am, to be able to live better than these unfortunate ones. So you see, if I do serve them wholly and involve in service, I get paid back a million more. I surely am greedy to remain the caring human, this school keeps me down to the earth where we live.” She smiled at herself as she spoke. Her innocence filled up my ears. My heartbeats were more prominent to my senses now.

The wind swerved my hairs behind as I stood at the edge of the local train travelling back to my suburb. I always loved the train travel in Mumbai as a college going student. I embraced and leaned strongly on the centre rod near the door, lost in my own thoughts. Yet again today after a long time, I was truly smiling.

Was it just the innocence and purity of her that filled my senses, or was I in love? No I can’t be in one so soon? But she surely was making me feel better every moment.

**********************
“There he goes, again writing on his red diary. Will you ever stop making collection of those diaries of yours? They just keep piling and piling. Do you ever read them again? Common Rahul, its late now, I want to talk to you.” My mom was always complaining to me. Right from my childhood, I always maintained diaries, those that I updated on adhoc basis whenever I would get time. I maintained my own bookshelf with all of them; maybe I aspired to relive my past moments of life somewhere in the older days ahead.

I rolled over the pen to the centre of the diary, and closed it. Turning over, I accepted the glass of badam milk from my mom and muttered, “You never loose a chance to harass me mom, do you?”

“Drink that thing without any more complains. So tell me how you spent your day today.” I knew what information she wanted. Women! Oh how stubborn can they get!

“Well… morning I went over to finalize the deals for our new house and visited the loans department as well. Around late afternoon, I went to Ramsukhbhai School to meet Sunita.” I paused.

“Mom I want to tell you something, something which me and didi had hidden from you. I did not feel like telling about it then, but today I want to share it with you.” I looked down and heaved a sigh, trying to figure out how to begin talking.

“Mom, while I was in UK, do you remember I had told you many times about one of my classmate and how she was one amongst the best pals of mine?” She nodded but stayed quiet, for me to continue. “Mom actually, while I was in UK, I came very close to her and I fell in love with her. Not that it matters now though, because she always considered me just a friend.” As I shrugged, she maintained her silence, but she didn’t speak, so I had to continue even further.

“Mom I find Sunita a very nice girl, but I think I am being unfair to her by not telling her the truth. I am amazed by her, I am getting attracted to her even whilst my recent past. But I have not yet forgotten it as much, and I don’t want to cheat on Sunita. Tell me mom, tell me what to do?”

“Your friend’s name in Mithaali Shah and she lives in Andheri west, right?” My mom looked straight into my eyes as she spoke.

“How do you know all that…!??!” I exclaimed.

“Sunita Desai is one of the best friends of Mithaali Shah, they both studied in the same Junior college. I came to know about Sunita because Mithaali told me about her the day you left for India.” I felt I lost my balance for a wee bit; everything around seemed irregular for a minute. I could hardly believe what I heard.

“But Rahul, Sunita doesn’t know about Mithaali’s friendship and her past with you.” My mom paused. “Listen my son, not always is it possible for somebody to commit being all your life with you. We do not lead our life for one person. What makes Mithaali your true friend is that she found the perfect girl for you, somebody even more suitable for you, so even as a friend, she understood you the most. I am happy you loved a girl like her. But my dear, Sunita is surely a girl more perfect for you.” My mom always deepened her tone when she said important things. I was stunned by these disclosures.

“I had told you that you will loose the bet, the reason behind that was not just what I foresaw in the meeting. Maybe I knew that if Mithaali was indeed your best friend, she would surely find you your best partner.” She ended.

The badam milk lay on the desk just like that. I stared at it in a state of blackout, confused whether to be happy or be sad with the revelations.

At that moment, I felt I lost the battle a second time.

**********************
Marriage and love are two different sentiments. Love binds you with a feeling that is inseparable but not necessarily bound with togetherness. Marriage is a bond that thrives on the trust that both give each other to stay together all your life. Love can help you build that bond with somebody, and stay all our life in the sacred relation of marriage. But that, my dear friends, is not necessarily the only way.

When you are actually ready to accept somebody as your partner, you try to find the best match for yourself. This is what you do even when you fall in love, the only difference is that it may not be so apparent when you fall in love, but then what you want from both ways always remains the same.

So every marriage, be it a ‘love marriage’ or ‘arranged marriage’, is successful only if your intent towards living a happy married life is true and complete. Then your efforts, time and happiness, everything is directed only towards sharing that togetherness with whomsoever you choose on your own.

Today is my first marriage anniversary, and of course I love my wife Sunita a lot. However, we both have mutually decided to not celebrate on this special occasion this year.

In India, we do not celebrate any occasions within few days of the loss of any of our dear ones. And sure enough, Mithaali, who left us to make a journey to eternal worlds a few days back, was one of our dearest friends. I know she loved me.

Every time I remember her, I remember how I always thought I lost twice, but how she proved it to be otherwise.

**********************
- When My heart beats,
Chirag Khara

Standing At Crossroads

--

PART – I ‘a’

17th November 2005 - 7:30 pm – Infosys Technologies, Hebbal Electronics Road, Mysore -->

“Veeru, I can’t stand this negative thoughts of yours anymore?” Shilpi shouted at him that day.

“Hey chill lady…I was just kidding…I mean its true though, isn’t it? I am just preparing for the worst thing. Common that’s always a possibility, ain’t it?” Veeru foxed a trembled manner to make her feel he was afraid of her cheesy remarks!

“No Veeru…that’s not the point. In some situations, you need to keep the worst possibilities out of your thoughts and words, so that you can focus on positive possibilities. Whenever you give an exam, you come out saying ‘Pass ho jaao bas itna kaafi hai’. When you talk about some past achievement of yours, you say ‘it was just luck nothing more’. Don’t you think you just down grade yourself unnecessarily.” Shilpi had always an overemphasized expression into her short-sweety character.

“Aiyyoo Rama…bache ki jaan logi kyaaa?” Veeru tried to tease his ‘South Indian’ friend, as he always knew her when they first became friends.

Shilpi and Veeru were best friends in the Infosys training at Mysore. Veeru had never stayed outside his hometown in Mumbai for such a long period; it was going to be a horrific time discovering all alone to take care of himself.

Shilpi, originally from Bangalore, was a wise, adaptive and sweet girl. Her biggest challenge in Mysore remained keeping Veeru awake in the long sessions of boredom. He would then copy all the assignments and solutions from her. She would SMS him warnings to stop playing Table Tennis late nights and keep regular good habits. She would help him study regularly; would take most of the trainee-project work on her head to relieve him from unseen pressures. And finally she would also thrash him for his ‘complaining nature’ time and again. She was sometimes like his mother, sometimes like his sister and sometimes like his friend – all in a days work to keep a ‘spoilt child’ in control.

For Veeru, away from his family for such long, Shilpi was just the right person god had sent to take care of him before he learnt and adapted to thinking independently in life. He kept her spirits alive by readily serving her the ever so favourite cup of coffee she loved so much.

“What bache ki jaan and all?” Shilpi continued. “ I am sick of all your everyday banters now. Listen Veeru - sometimes we become apprehensive with fear of losses if we keep thinking negative. Its all in the mind, and ‘jo hona hai vo to hoke hi rahega’. See Veeru - you always should have the control in yourself - that is all that’s important in life. I don’t believe in ‘fate’ and ‘luck’ ever in my life. I know whatever has happened has no external bearings and I own up on all success and failure I get in life.” Shilpi finally ended her non-stop banter with Veeru.

“Its not so simple Shilpi, is it? I think fate has always some role to play in our life. We must prepare for it when we can. Tell me one thing Shilpi, whom do you have most confidence and trust on?” Veeru happened to finally ask Shilpi that day.

“I reckon my lord Krishna and my father are the most dearest people to me in my life. I can’t live a moment without them.” She replied immediately.

PART – II ‘a’

17th November 2007 – BT technologies Ltd (Onsite at client place), Sheffield, UK -->

Veeru gets an email on his BT mailbox from Kavita, one of the common friends of himself and Shilpi. He is horrified with the news he has read.

“God damn it! These international lines, they are useless. How else do I reach her?” a concerned Veeru thought as he tried all lines to reach Shilpi who was in the Infosys Bangalore office. It was not until late evenings after his office hours when he could finally reach her. By then is was already late night in India and she was finally able to pick up his phone.

“Hello!” came her breaking voice to Veeru.

“Hey Shilpi! Hows you yaar? What exactly happened? How is uncle now? Where is he as of now?” Veeru flooded her with queries after having to wait so long before he heard her voice.

“Veeru, yeah… I am fine. Daddy complained acute chest pain and then something happened so he was taken to hospital for quick medication. I am travelling to Belgaum by bus and should reach to them as soon as possible. He is all right now.” She was weak in her speech, broken and her voice drained out periodically.

Veeru’s heart sank. The trudge back to his home was filled with lots of thoughts, but he said to himself, “I am sure things will be fine. When she reaches home, she’ll find her father in better condition already.” Veeru had inherited positive thinking from the influence of Shilpi with time.

However, things did not look very easy. Shilpi had to bore through tougher times - her father suffered mild Hypokalemic paralysis.

Thyrotoxic periodic paralysis – Veeru heard it from Shilpi a week later and immediately went to search on the web after the phone call.

“Thyrotoxic periodic paralysis is a thyroid-related disorder manifested as recurrent episodes of hypokalemia and muscle weakness lasting from hours to days. The onset of paralytic attacks coincides with the onset of thyrotoxicosis, which could be due to various causes.

It all starts due to ingestion of a high-carbohydrate meal and strenuous physical activity followed by sudden period of rest. Propranolol and spironolactone, two major anti-paralytic ingredients, are used to prevent future paralytic attacks, but the definitive therapy is management of the thyrotoxicosis.”

In her father’s case, it was more of problems due to diabetic and blood pressure imbalances and his arms and feet movement were severely affected. For 5 months, Shilpi toiled days and nights to regularize her father’s health and get him back to his normal life. Electrocardiography showed second-degree atrioventricular (AV) blockage and proximal muscle weakness, meant her father was on bed for 3 months before he started walking slowly on the strength of his distal muscles.

The same Shilpi who had never even pinched a friendly skin with her soft hands, had now learned to prick an injection dosage of ‘Potassium Administration’ to prevent cardiac arrhythmias and to hasten the recovery of her dearest father’s paralyzed muscles. She travelled endlessly to and fro from Bangalore to her hometown even while she met her office requirements. She weakened terribly in the influence of the sudden share of responsibilities she had to take.

She consulted Ayurvedic doctors, Naturotherapists to be sure there was complete progress in the health. Panchkarma, Sarvangadhara, Shastika Shali Pinda Sweda – all therapic treatments were under her monitor to get her father to normalcy.

She slept less on most days, took up all tasks of meeting the social hands and made hyper-sensitive decisions based on periodic aetiology to help increase the progress of his health. This affected her career too, from scant appraisals, to loss of pays, however that was least important to her in those times.

Shilpi single-handedly laid a foundation of a new identity of her own to her family – an identity she was unknown she would be so capable of.

PART – I ‘b’

17th April 2008 – Hyderabad Express - 08:40 pm – -->

“What’s that?? Oops!” Veeru was startled when he found something pulling hard on his trousers. A cute little boy, struggling to keep steadily stood, looked at him innocently and gave a smile as Veeru turned around to see what was pulling. The boy changed his gaze to his struggling father who was all busy loading his bags into the train.

“Can I help you Sir!” Veeru lend out a hand to the struggling husband extra loaded with bags. A couple along with their engaging naughty child had just got in his compartment as the train began its journey.

Veeru was travelling from Hyderabad to Mumbai, for a weekend holiday at home, having recently returned from UK to India. He was looking forward for a great time back at his hometown with all his cousins and family friends whom he missed so much during his first stay at UK.

“Thanks young man! I am Rajan.” The father paused to take in a breath and then exchanged handshakes with the queer young man. The little boy also followed suit and shaked hands with Veeru using his tiny hands. Veeru kissed his gentle palm, hugged the chirping boy and played with him for quite sometime.

“So are you from Hyderabad originally?” Rajan enquired to Veeru after everything had settled.

“Well not at all. I am travelling to Mumbai for the long weekend. I work for Infosys technologies ltd as an IT professional.” Veeru surmised his situation thus. “How about you? Vacationing with your family?” was his follow up query.

“Well we are beginning our trip from Hyderabad for a long religious trip. We both due to travel a lot since we will cover many places all around India.” Rajan added.

Rajan was a sober human and instantly very nice to Veeru. They chatted a lot throughout the travel as their son, Avduth wore off to a silent sleep.

Rajan had a very good business in imports and exports, mainly involving with businesses in the Automobiles sector. His wife, Sunanda, was very sweet and caring. She served Veeru with nice food, they played cards for a lengthy part of the journey, contact numbers were exchanged and Rajan narrated Veeru his real reason for going to such a long break – to all the important religious places in India.

“For five years, we stayed with all odds, consulted many doctors and finally understood that we are destined to be an unfortunate couple without a child of our own. As we tried harder, we realized that we needed a child in our lives very badly. We adopted Avduth from a nice Ashram in Andhra.” Rajan had watered eyes as he saw the innocent child sleeping in sound peace.

“He gives me my best times in my everyday life. After an exhausted day at office, it’s a real fun to have him talk to me. He has real sharp eyes and brain, and though he can’t speak completely as yet he does play endlessly with me. His sleeping hours are only 1:00 am to 7:00 am during night. So you see from that, there is not a trace of fallen stamina…for me, he is my everything!” Rajan added proudly.

“Wow what a happy family! When am I going to get married? When will I have children who can play with me all day?” the thought brought a stilt smile to Veeru’s teasing expression, he made to himself. The silence in the train was followed with the closing of lights and all fell asleep.

PART – III ‘a’

29th May 2008 – Infosys technologies Ltd. Bangalore, India -->

“Veeru I want one favour from you. I might be asking too much, but see if you can grant it to me.” Shilpi was writing vigorously on the chat-window she was chatting with Veeru on. Veeru worked from the Hyderabad DC in India where his project was based out.

“Aapke hukum ko kaise naa bolenge sarkaar…kahiye bandha khidmat main haazir hai” Veeru chirped in with his usual exaggerated lines to her. He was excited he would meet Shilpi after such a long time – he could not be around when she needed him, but he felt she had changed a bit.

“Veeru, while you come to meet us before leaving again for UK, can we go to ‘Tirupathi’?? I wanted to go to Tirupathi for quite a while now. I know its short notice but it would be great if you were with me too.”

On 30th May 2008, unprepared but determined, Shilpi, Veeru and Kavita set-off for a journey to meet the almighty of Tirupathi.

“What’s happened to you Shilpi? You have changed so much? I always believe you have been the best the way you were before.” Veeru spoke up when they finally settled to on their bus seats while travelling towards the temple. “I don’t want you to change Shilpi, not to the slightest in your beliefs in life. Its hard to imagine you talking about luck and fate.”

Shilpi spoke as she watched out of the window, “You remember Veeru, when I had once told you that there is nothing called as destiny or luck. I think I was wrong.” She changed her gaze and faced her friend. “Veeru, I have learned that there is something called as destiny after all. Things have changed a lot with me in the past few days. I feel there are a few things which are out of your control, few for which you need to bend yourselves in the prowess of the God. I love my Krishna a lot, and I can’t forget the lessons I have learned when my most loving father was in danger.”

“I believe I am becoming a bit harsher in my daily life. There are changes that I cannot cope up with in these times of struggle. I need to therefore meditate, and let my god know, that whatever be the tough times he gives, I will never miss to keep him in my heart, always.” She ended.

The setting sun cast serene colours of a violet dullness in the sky. Veeru felt they reflected in the beautiful eyes of Shilpi even as the KSRTC bus hummed slowly in its journey.

On one side her father and on the other side her God - Shilpi was fighting to keep her love sincerely for the same two most dearest people in her life. Veeru finally understood the gentle change that this brought to her life.

“Shilpi, whatever be the situation. Always consider me next to you.” He uttered sheepishly after a brief silence and winked consolingly, he felt so insignificant of himself in front of the most influential friend he knew.

PART – II ‘b’

08th August 2008 – ALU Technologies, Maidenhead, UK -->

Veeru called up Rajan to wish him on his birthday. “Hey Rajan, many many happy returns of the day...” Veeru spoke as soon as the phone was received.

“H..Hello..I am Rajan’s father. He is hospitalized in Bilaspur and in ICU. Please let me know your name”, came a dry elderly broken voice from the other end. Veeru was stunned and speechless. Words came out as, “Uncle, I am…but what happened?”

“Nainadevi problem..look into news” came the silent corpsed voice from the other end, followed by the click as the phone got disconnected. Veeru found himself trampled off-balance out of shock. He immediately went into the internet and with shaking hands, searched for more details into the incident.

On 3rd of August, a sudden panicking crowd trampled more than 150 devotees to death out of suffocation when a human stampede at the Nainadevi Hindu temple forced people over the side of a Ravine. Rajan and his family wanted to be the part of the ‘Savan Mela’, which has thousands of devotees coming in every year around those days.

With poor infrastructure, ill-maintained roads and well over 1.50 lakh devotees paying obeisance everyday during the ‘sawan mela’, a tragedy was waiting to happen at the Naina Devi shrine. Every year during the time of ‘sawan mela’ there is complete chaos at Bhawan area and authorities fail to tackle situation. At the time of the incident, there were more than 35,000 people queuing up from Bhawan area to Kohal Wala Tobha, from where the yatra starts. A few devotees tried to jump the queue and climbed roofs of the shops, a common practice during the ‘Sawan Mela’. The devotees who scaled the rooftops were electrocuted due to contact with high-tension wires accidentally. The sudden incident created panic amongst the devotees and consequently, the stampede.

Malpractices, poor infrastructure, crowd panic, unprepared medical services – whatever was the cause of the accident, it claimed the life of both Avduth and Sunanda. Rajan was severely injured and fought with life for 3 days.

He had however, a more fierce battle to face. Rajan himself carried his bleeding wife and dead son without even stretchers around him, in a private car to a hospital in Anandpur. Sunanda gave up finally in 3 hours succumbing over her deteriorated health.

The same Rajan, who had decided to go to bow in front of all the Gods of India, finally turned up leaving his wife and son at the abode of that Almighty himself.

Veeru cried a lot that day…Avduth’s innocent face haunted his thoughts.

Part – III ‘b’

29th August 2008 – ALU Technologies, Maidenhead, UK -->

Veeru suddenly woke up in the middle of the night, grappled under a gush of thoughts. Questions were revering all around him. He remembered how the famous French writer ‘Guy De Maupassant’ had once quoted about the superlative power of unknown.

“Whence come those mysterious influences which change our happiness into discouragement, and our self-confidence into diffidence? One might almost say that the air, the invisible air, is full of unknowable Forces, whose mysterious presence we have to endure.

Everything that surrounds us, everything that we see without looking at it, everything that we touch without knowing it, everything that we handle without feeling it, everything that we meet without clearly distinguishing it, has a rapid, surprising, and inexplicable effect upon us and upon our organs, and through them on our ideas and on our being itself.”

Whose influence could you take this onVeeru? What did just happen in this short account of Veeru’s life?

On one side - a friend whom he knew for such a long time, has changed suddenly. She has suddenly started believing on the power of fate and luck - she is going deeper into the influence of the unknowable force. A pinch of caution is now added to her former extreme positive thinking capabilities. Her belief in the supernatural, unexplained powers of God, has increased by a multitude.

On the other hand, Veeru remembers Rajan who has gone through the biggest shock of his life.

Walking over a barricade of human corpses - the by-product of a human atrocity caused by the very inexplicable effect of fear which Guy De Maupassant has so correctly mentioned. Amidst sound of human lamentations, with dried out eyes of shock and helpless rage, Rajan carried the silent lifeless body of his own son, Avduth. Avduth was his most strong reason for his life ahead.

The same unknown force under whose influence Rajan travelled all over India – had now given Rajan a reason to forget about his power. Would he ever face himself in front a temple again? Rajan’s belief in the powers of God had been smashed to pieces, he failed to believe in god again.

Veeru was standing on the middle of this crossroad, he could see 2 separating paths leading to opposite directions and merging at him. Shilpi and Rajan had moved on the other side of their roads now, and this change was beyond his control or liking.

The influence of God – the thoughts of fate, luck eternal truth – all of this is really an emotion. It’s an influence that we have created , to make ourselves aware of the limitations of our body.

Indeed God is within us. Whatever truth we see around us, those on which we do not have a control on, are a part of this God. He is an expression of our mind, just as we express laughter, anger or every emotion we know of.

Nature and the evolution of mankind are in the control of this unknown. He has the cards and is playing a game with us. Mankind is collectively endeavouring to win the game of cards and achieve the stage of complete control over nature. That unknown however, has woven the most complex web amongst our lives, the web of our individual existence, on which we get involved deeper and deeper.

We cannot win over this unknown Almighty, but you must remember that the next time you find somebody talking about luck, fate and in fact about God, remember that the individual is sharing his own personal experience and his own personal view influenced by the share of events that he has experienced in his own life.

If you have understood Veeru's situation, you would know why he thinks so.

- When my heart beats,
Chirag Khara

Discovering Love in a Relation

26th December 2007 - midnight 12:00 hrs GMT -->
"I love her, I really do.” said Raj. Tears glistened from his eyes as he embraced me and said,” Thanks Ramu. I owe you my life for making me realize how stupid and egoistic I have been." His eyes had that look which meant he really knew and understood what he was saying.

I made him call her immediately. They spoke for quite a while, and he cried throughout. But in the end, it was a beginning of a fresh phase to their relation – finally, the phase of love.

25th December 2007 - 23:30 hrs GMT -->
He plunged into another sip of his Scottish whisky, while he called up the waiter for another pair of 'quarter' glasses to be served. Likewise to how the 'drunkards' behave in Hindi Cinema when they are outburst in emotions of agony and ecstasy; the same was the case with him today.

The sip digged into his oesophagus a bit too quickly, burning in all the way, and commotion ensued at our table as my 'heart-broken' friend coughed in full throttle like a 'long unused car' sputters on the first ignition. It was indeed a first ignition in his merry life, all that he had discovered in our small town at UK where we were all commissioned as IT professionals for BT.

I always thought how funny it was with him. Almost every instance I was alone next to him sipping in my 'mug' of soft drink or maybe a juice once in a while, and he would still turn up ordering 2 glasses of whisky. He believed in the saying that we must always booze with somebody else to share in the health of the togetherness. He had no choice though, in the bloody European tour bus in which I entailed him all the way to Geneva, then to Rome and then to Paris on the last leg of our 'Tour De Europe'.

He worked for HCL in India, and I was an enterprise of Infotech. It was surprising that both of us had the same first two letters of our name, but there was nothing else in common between us. Nobody of us complained that 'Raj' and 'Ram' are but 2 common names of India. But it was fun though, as the Englishmen had a tough time calling us by our right names.


Rishita, that was her name. She was also from my company though I had never seen her before until I saw her in UK. She was sweet and had curly hairs and a rather sober voice for her getup. Extremely emotional and catchy to her thoughts, it was a real wonder how she fell in love with Raj. It really was the best example to maybe reiterate on my belief, 'Opposites attract'. There was really nothing in common between them. However they were together every time. I arrived rather late in the scene to know how they actually met and became fond of each other, but it really was true that they loved each other a lot.

“Nashe ka din aaya hai aaj, gham ki ghata ne diya saath hai..
Judaai uski yu sataa rahi hai ki, Ansuon main bhi meghnath hai!”

He sang so loudly, was so hoarse, that my hands automatically broke over my brains orders and they went on to close my ears. Sighs, claps and appreciation broke amongst the few people in the Pub, though I am not sure if even 10% of those French idiots understood what was told.

“What’s it with you now?” I tried to break a conversation, after watching him sway around his eyes in aggrieved disgruntle to everything he could see.

“What…what can it be? I am fine…just fine, c’mon this is the way to chill ar’nd when you’r in a trip monsieur, it’s a cock-a-doodle-dun affair…”. Only he was capable to understand what he meant in the last line. He was not in his full senses maybe, but I had to talk to him however difficult it may get. That one phone, the silly phone call ruined all our evening plans and still I could not complain to him in any other way.

“This is fine? It really is, isn’t it…ha?” out came my scornful, sarcastic words.
“A guy here dresses up to go to the Odeon to watch his first charismatic French play and feel the richness of the French revolution, and ends up going to a bar, drinking as he had never drank all his life. And now he fancies living with the thought that all’s nice around. C’mon dude…everything is wrong in this place. All’s been so after that phone call…and I am hangin’ around with you in this piece of shit, so can I please know what’s the matter actually?” I carefully softened my tone to try and not confound him in more agony and repent for ruining my evening all over. However my attempt was futile.

“You are right bro! You are absolutely correct. I am such a great screwer… I screwed your evening bigtime! I would say you could never ever have imagined yourself in the rich outfit you are presently wrapped up - for the all-exclusive Odeon show. And now you are hung up with me here. I am not ok…I need serious changes…I am diseased…my mind is diseased, my soul is diseased…I am a screwer…bigtime screwer. I can screw everybody’s life by my sole presence… your’s, Rishita’s…mine’s…uhh..!!" He panted as he spoke non-stop in a gush, his emotions speaking over his mind. I scowled within myself, he had mentioned about my dressing for the evening!

I waited for him to continue, but he stopped. Silence fell on our table even though the Pub was filled in its lee business hours of this ‘Christmas weeks Friday night’. Our conversation had to continue so I spoke up, “Its not so Raju…I mean don’t feel bad about me over here and all. I am fine here as well…it’s a good little pub and the babes here are really fascinating. On a second thought it’s a better bargain for me rather than the boring French revolution play, we would make heck no sense of!!” It was queer I was actually discovering the truth of all I said, even as I muttered to him. Well French gals are really hot must say, I conjectured within.

“But I am just curious to know what made you change your plans? What was that call all about? Whom were you speaking to? Rishita?” I continued probing him. He raised his eyebrows slightly but corrected immediately, trying to dig in on what he heard and still act unaffected. It was too slow for me though, and I had caught him unawares.

“Err...Rishita? Umm…why would she call me? She knows we are here in this trip, and if you remember we had asked her and Sanju if they wanted to join in. They just said ‘No’. So why would she call me?” I could see him escape my gaze as he said. His answers were unjustifiable and incomplete. He knew it and we both waited in silence for him to correct.

Again the silence, so I broke in a lie. “Sanju called me while you were busy in the afternoon, she was telling me Rishu was feeling upset for something between both of you. Can you imagine Sanju calling me! It has to be something damn serious for her to ever call me!” It was true. Sanju would never call me and everybody amongst us knew it. We hated each other as much as we could stand over, though we never showed it on our faces! It was not possible to act so at client location, so we preferred silence to un-professional behaviour. I could never stand her boyish behaviour and she could never stand my outright straight-on-your-face behaviour.

Raj was too much in his drunken state to realize that I had made the most slanderous bluff myself. “I never called anybody! But now that you remind me, Sanju did call me in the afternoon sometime, but that was just general stuff.”

“See Raj, there is no point in me probing you further. I think you have decided not to share your problems with your bro. Let me remind you again that your mobile has been with me all day today in my camera bag, just because it kept falling from your bungee outfit trouser. There have been no calls till we came back for the evening trip and I don’t want to coax you anymore….” Sometimes such sentimental outbursts help the assailant suddenly give in. This scheme always works so well…I would call it the ‘Guerilla tactics’. It worked this time too!

“Aisi baat nahi hai dost…” He extended his arms to ask me a ‘Hi5’ but I was not going to respond till he sucked out all that I wanted to hear.

“Well Yeah, Rishita was the one who called up. A few days back I had a fight with her and then it’s been very less that I have interacted with her.” He had a sheepish look in his face and I could see that the whisky, which had digged in, was finally evaporating to all the revealing from his book of secrets he hadn’t opened in front of me as yet.

“So you love her, don’t you?” the straight-on-your-face person within me took over. Raj was startled by my words. Whisky drained over his stomach and the entire little hangover within him evaporated to thin air. I guess he was more embarrassed on the fact that he hid this from me.

“Tell me Raj, at least now tell me?” I tried to come out of the Guerilla tactics, now concentrating to get more useful information and set the platform for him to begin.

“I liked her a lot actually. I did. But it’s all gone now. I don’t find anything ahead, so lets not talk about it Ram”. He knew it was not the end of conversation. My silence told him that I was not going to move till he continued.

“She is, uhh.” His pain was growing on his face as he continued. “She is so much sticky on everything. She feels I fool around her for nothing.” Well she wasn’t so wrong enough on some of his behaviours and I knew it well as a friend. But this time it was about love, a different emotion, and a different relation. I had to draw him out of the friendship world with her - into the world of love.

“I don’t think you exactly answered my question. I just needed a ‘Yes’ or a ‘No’ in response. Do you love her?” my mind grappling to find answers on his exact thought of it.

“I told you naa, I just like her a lot. I mean she is one whom I would always want around me, but I’m kind of…I mean I am...I have lost her and she will…. ok…let me put it this way….” He was on his own when he spoke. I could feel he was trying to admit to himself. “I think she is all ready to loose me, and I am not given a choice.”, he continued.

There was a silent period. Even as the pub carried its merry time, we both were busy. Raj was thinking how he could make me understand what’s going terribly wrong. I was trying to surmise how far had their relation been from true love.

Hoping I would speak up something he continued, “I did not mean to hide anything from you buddy, but then you know all was not going smooth anyways and we were still understanding each other so I would not make myself be a fool in front of you. You are my only true friend here, so I wanted to tell you about everything….” He halted suddenly. The phone rang and I had to pitch in with a call.

“Raj, have you ever tried to get answers to the question like what does a relation needs to sustain for long? Do you miss her only for what you liked in her? Do you think that she is ready to forget you?” I paused to bring myself to track on what I was saying and what I planned to say. This happens when you have a string of wise words to share, and you kind‘a look about on yourself to put pieces together in such a way that the listener can make sense of it. Plain enough, I was in such jeopardy as of now. And the listener was in pain, real pain.

“Ok Raj let me put it this way. When you like somebody, it means a few indications come from your heart saying that you unknowingly want to be with that special somebody. Always. On some lucky occasions, the same feeling is also going on the other end, and you get indications of the same. I assume both of you already crossed this stage…right?” I had begun my snitch.

There was a notable difference now. Raj was looking through the glass, straightening himself on the chair. I thought maybe he was trying to imagine all I said. “Yeahh…” he said, lost into recollection, even as a brief smile broke in on his appalled face and disappeared rapidly.

“Many times in such situations, we try to analyze and wonder what is it that makes you attracted to the person on the other side. These thoughts bring the exciting and positive things you find in the other person. This is the stage where you find the other person above friendship. However, we have not yet faced the perils of what we dislike in each other.” I almost tried to myself understand the truth of what I said.

“As we spend time together we have two things going on in our mind. First is the unknown apprehension every moment on how the person on the other side must be feeling about you. And secondly, you are loosing out on your natural self in trying to adjust for his/her dislikes regarding you. The relation is in a very delicate stage at this point.” I paused.

“Let me see, tell me what do you dislike in her?” I enquired as gently as possible.

“Umm...I think she has a kind of habit to over-react sometimes. You know she gets itched very easily on my behaviour with her friends.” Raj looked at me with a questioning glance. It was an indication for me to continue my analysis.

“Well I think she is right, don’t get me wrong Raj.” the straight-on-your-face person within me had taken over yet again. ”Anyways, my point is, do you think that with time she tried to become a bit subtle, and maybe you also tried to neglect her reactiveness, her over-excitement and things like that?” I added immediately.

“No Ram, she just keeps on holding my nerve on it. I am scolded for being a nerd and then cuddled over to make me think that she is still all right with it.” He frowned over as he spoke, but the wrinkles smoothed out as he ended.

“And what is it that you do in such situations?” I asked him. Along came silence and he was lost in his thoughts.

“I feel that you actually love her.” I finally decided to start from the end of what I was going to come to.

“You can’t stand her reactiveness, but you are absolutely missing her around you every moment. She is kind of pissed out on your nonchalant behaviour but is not ready to come with you for this trip. She is indicating you to think seriously about her.”

“The look of this all from the outside is that both would never be able to stand each other. But still you are missing each other absolutely well. This cannot happen without the power of love.”

“Love is not about what is shown in the movies as running around trees and singing traumatically. It is a strong bond that is strengthened by the hearts call and bred with the brains impudence to forget or neglect every bad thing about your loved one for the sake of his togetherness.”

“Love does not change with the regular fights that you have with her where you both keep telling each other how you both can’t stand that one bad thing about each other. It reaps on the inability of each of you to be able to stay separated for a moment.”

“Now the problem here is that both of you have an ocean of love for each other in your heart. However, there is no expression. You both know it, but can’t take up the challenge to express it. You both are running from each other, just because you cannot read yourselves. That explains why she was not ready to come and why you didn’t ask her again.”

“Now tell me what makes you think she has no feeling for you? Did she admit it anytime? What was that fight?” I wanted him to speak up.

However, I was unheard to him. Raj was thinking hard. He spoke up. “You are right Ram, I don’t have guts to tell her I like her more than I can imagine.”

“I adore her smile, I want to be sunk in her embrace. I want to make her feel I am always with her. I want to change myself but it will take sometime. I gave up smoking all because I didn’t want her to know I did before.” I was myself not aware he smoked ever!

“I am angry when she tries to over react on silly happenings but still I dream to fight with her ‘monkey-faced’ manager to make him realize how she has been ruined over her appraisals. I can’t withstand her crying for a moment and sulk away angrily when she cries because of me!”

“There is it Raj. That’s the root cause of the problem. You love her, but you are not brave enough to make her feel it. You run away when she feels bad about your behaviour. She needs you to be with her that time. You need to face her anger, and take her in your arms, make her feel you will try to improve. You need to set an example that you will be with her at all circumstances, even if it means that you both are sorting out a matter on your relations.” I responded instantly.

“How can she think of proceeding a serious relation with a guy who has not kept her from being insecure about her love? This must have happened enough times for her to break through and finally give over her own trust on her love for you.”

“You both are in pain…terrible pain, and you both are equally responsible for it. You need to make a beginning Raj; you really need to. As I repeat to you, I am sure man that you love her a lot.” I finally closed over.

29th December 2007 - evening 20:30 hrs GMT -->

We had returned from the European tour, but after office we had more fun ahead.

It was get-together time and all Indians had gathered over for a party. Swapnil and Sanika, unarguably the best Indian couple in our town that we knew of, were celebrating their third marriage anniversary.

“Married Life may begin together at any point and in anyways, be it from a love marriage or an arranged one. But love sustains in kindled hearts and transmits through lovely times of togetherness. Times maybe tough or it maybe times of success, but the feeling of always having your partner with you, is indeed the most comforting and encouraging part of your life. I have discovered this in every moment of my married life with Sanika.” Amidst claps from the audience, Swapnil embraced her affectionately as he ended his short speech.

Raj and Rishita came over to me after the dinner. “Nice to see now you both have your hand-in-hand and are not hiding anymore from me.” I told immediately. We all broke into laughter as Rishu gave a sheepish smile and hid behind Raj in shy embarrassment.

“Ram, I can’t help but thank you for making us understand our relation. I shall owe you for this.” Rishita broke in. I obliged in return with a smile. “Hey guys, its all about both of you. I was just reading what was written on your faces. You have nothing to owe me. Just promise to stay together.” I put in.

“We will.” they called in unison.

It was an amazing night and so I sulked over to a silent corner. Raj and Rishita were finally really happy and I was satisfied with how it happened. As the moonlight streamed through the darkness, I was lost in the clouds - I felt they formed a gigantic heart-like perforation in the sky.

“Thanks a lot Ram.” I was startled to hear Sanju speaking to me as I turned my gaze. She was silent for some time as our eyes met and my mind sunk into the reality that she was really speaking to me!

“I must owe you this time, to what you gave Rishita and Raj. This night has set their direction to love.” She finally put in and we both looked at the couple. I smiled and winked an acknowledgement as our eyes met again. We then proceeded to ponder at the clouds. I felt they were now clearing up on the canvas of the moonlit sky.

All that starts well ends well; I thought it meant maybe that this night also set the direction to my friendship with Sanju. Maybe we both silently realized that just like love, even friendship needs a bearing to each other’s falter.

- When My Heart Beats

Chirag Khara

Time Unbound Faith

We are in a fast-living world; the life is running faster according to us; and most of us can’t help but agree that before we can understand the meaning of our life, we are made to run here and there for all that we desire. Here desire includes everything - even feeling for peace of mind is finally a ‘desire’.

Here I want to give a short practical example that stresses us to know more about ‘age and experience’. I think I learn a very important lesson by reminding myself of this small but true example.

Consider a very small infant; playing in a garden – and suddenly he sees a snake sleeping (resting) at one corner. The child is not terrified; he does not know that it is a dangerous snake. If you were present over there, what would you do?

Firstly maybe you would tell him,”Beta, don’t go near that dirty little thing.” And you will thus try to distract him. Now suppose the child is too engrossed and does not mind dirt around him. It does not know what a snake is – he actually just wants to “toy” with it.

Now you will try to distract your child by giving him some other attractions. Maybe you’ll tell him,”Beta, come I’ll get you chocolate, come here quickly now.” The child turns back and sees the daily offered “Éclairs” in your hand. He’s yet too interested to possess the so interesting “toy” left alone just for him at one corner of the garden.

Now you turn a bit anguished, and you retort in a sharp stern voice, “Look Beta, if you go towards that thing, I’ll not take you in the evening to the ride on that big brown ‘Horsey’ like yesterday. By now the child is in serious interest. Unfathomable power of desire has gripped him; and he wants that “toy” by all means now.

When you see nothing is working, you shout at your child, in a commanding voce, and order him immediately to stay at his place. You hurry by his side, and even as the heart-broken child is sobbing at the top of his voice, you carry him to safety.

By all means, you do not let your child touch the snake.

Here is a biggest and the finest example of truth of ignorance and experience; two most unbroken events of human being life-cycle. We know that the child is ignorant; he needs to be constantly cared with. It is not possible to tell him that the thing is not a ‘toy’ but a dangerous snake. You try all means to keep him away from it; and when you cannot succeed, you have to use force. What do I infer from this?

“Life in it its untold journey teaches us lots of lessons – a few very memorable and lovely, while a few harsh and forgettable. The child here had yet not learned the lesson of keeping safety from the animal so dangerous – he is ignorant. He has the right virtue in thought (he just wants to play with that “thing”). For him it is like all entertaining things around – a toy. However, our experience tells us that we should not allow him to do so – since it will be dangerous for the child.
Similarly we have a life of adventure; where we do NOT learn the true lessons – till we actually experience it - even if it maybe a failure sometimes. However, we must keep our thought-clock moving. A clock hands keep revolving in circular motion on the same path. But it is always moving ahead in time. We must like the clock – keep moving ahead in time; but keep revolving and reflecting our experiences and our past.

The child is just so mindless; but you are present to take his care. Similarly you must have a faith that all my good work, all my hard work will surely be paid up, because we have somebody behind us – somebody who is waiting for the right time to give you back your worth.

Now observe that by the end of the whole incident – what the child has learned. The child has learnt that he cannot get everything he wants and also that he may not be always explained why he cannot get it. But he still believes you – gives you the same good night kiss and hug at the end of day. He sleeps sumptuously, plays without any hesitation; not fearful of anything.

In a similar fashion – life may have gone hard at you and may not explain the reason behind what happened to it. It may be for good and it may be for bad. But you must still; like the good lord’s child; keep believing on what is the most important to you – it may be the almighty, or just the good person within you!

Race Of Thoughts - Negativity

There have been numerous ocassions where I have made a self-analysis and found that in our general life, we get instinctive thoughts of negativity - maybe because we are too worried about wanting something and are overwhelmed by the loss in the risks associated. However, this fear evades us from being a true self. That loss is factually the biggest loss we can imagine of - to loose the true oneself.

Let me explain you in a very simple story, what is instinctive race of thoughts and their influence on negativity.

One day a laborer is traveling through a very small district, where the houses are far apart from each other. This man, after extreme hard work in the day, has left for further work in the scorching heat.

As he walks past a vast barren stretch of land; he starts feeling extremely thirsty. He continues however; but with course of time realizing that he cannot continue anywhere further. Straining his eyes to see ahead of the dusty path he notices that at the end of the lane is a huge mansion, and he gallops with new vigor. On reaching the mansion he finds another person on the top floor trying to call him over. The laborer calls out to the man, to help and give him some water if possible.

The man immediately nods and shouts back, “I’ll get you some, right away, you wait there sir! I’ll come downstairs myself to give you the water.” The laborer is all but more than pleased to find such a courteous man to help him. He wishes from inside, “Let this man live a long life God. He is a patron of selflessness, great conduct and true fellowship.” Thinking so, he settles himself on the rock beside; waiting eagerly for the man to return.

However, after 10 minutes, the man does not return, and the laborer is furious. He gazes at the skies and retorts, “Why do you create such being GOD!! Can’t they have the little courage to practice honest conduct? Why do they be so selfish, for a pail of water? Couldn’t you nurture a seed of fellowship in their minds? It really is worst that he did not flatly refuse me; instead fooled me by making false promises and then backing off. Oh God! Oh virtuous, do punish him severely for that, if at all you cannot do anything else for me.

So saying, with his heart still sobbing for the ‘lost faith’, he trudges the way ahead. But had he not moved even a few feets ahead, he suddenly hears a cry from behind, calling out. He turns behind to see the same man running towards him. But what is this…he is carrying a few sliced lemons in one hand, and a glass in the other. The man reached over him and said, “Hey man! Sorry for the delay in coming down. When I saw your face, I found you almost crestfallen from body and soul, tired maybe after that long journey. So I thought I might as well prepare some lemon juice for you and also provide you some more for your long and exhaustive journey ahead.”

The laborer…he was speechless. He did not have words to believe and express gratitude for this unknown man who had thought so good for him. Not to mention, the laborer felt like killing himself for thinking so badly about a man so kind and generous.

Now what to infer from this? Lots of time we have been in a situation where we have struggled and dedicated completely for a task/event/relation or for that matter any such entity. We feel so happy when we are at its peak, and we give all our support, blessings and good belief to the Almighty, or to that matter to ourselves, in some cases.

But when there is a delay in the oncoming fruits/opportunities/results, we start frustrating ourselves easily. We become negative in the race of thoughts.

And by the time you have known the delay was for some good, the same thoughts have crippled your power of belief in hard times. How do we counter this then?

Just look at the small child for an instance. Look how engrossed he is in his toy, even if half-dozen people around him have struck to the ‘CLIMAX’ of some super-hit action thriller Hollywood movie, forgetting anything else. The child does not care whether it is 10 people around him staring at the TV or even more than that. His focus is only on that toy and how lovely it is to play with.

Do not run or act like the crowd does or where the crowd goes! Focus on what exactly you wish to achieve. In a similar manner, get yourself embraced in the web of complete faith on the one you believe – it may be the Lord – or it maybe your SELF too. It may not help you in your cause for your well-being, but it will at least instil complete positiveness to your life - making each and every moments of your life fruitful and enjoyable.

On Being Married..!!

What is Marriage?

A sacred relation built out of total understanding of being one with somebody whom you had never seen before the first time you met? A way by which we play the biggest gamble of our life to make ourselves combine into oneness with the person you learn to love?

What is marriage...is it better that what I have written above, or it sums up to something similar to what I uttered above?

I have read many books on fascinations, books that relate God to your successful leading of life. Even while we have not seen this ultimate supernatural, we believe in God! What makes us trust him, love him, care for him, dedicate ourselves to him. We havent even seen God....have we? Since we dont see him, we characterize saying that he is somewhere inside us...this is of course to give him some figure that we can realize or see.

If God is our ultimate friend, our ultimate goal, our ultimate master....lets bring him in, and pray to him in this biggest event influencing the life of those 2 lovable beings that advent to make their life not their own alone. Lets pray to God on your marriage.
On this, make a sincere and a grand prayer to God...an make sure you hear and understand all the words you repeat below, as you pray to God for your own happiness and your own being.

Prayer :

Oh Lord!
Today is a new beginning of life for me. With your blessings, do keep our way ahead green and gay. Do remain in the center of our married life, and also in the aim of our journey in life – always.

During happy times or sad days; in illness or storm of ill-fate; we remain together with trust and love for each other. Never do we happen to neglect the other or show dishonor. Never do we try to force our thoughts on other. I always respect the others thought freely and truly from my heart. I must protect him/her from any loneliness that the heart may breed.

Now we are not just travellers. In all stages of life, being together like real partners; is the cause of our life. Our love to each other; should be a medium to reach your infinite love; even if it is a small but important way of attaining you. Precisely so, we do not consider our relation a ‘worldly’ relation of rights; but a relation of friendship in the path of life’s journey. We do not depend on each other to put steps forward together; at all times in the journey of life.

If I ever become self-centered, you step in. You remind me of my loving partner to whom I have vowed to give my time, my energy, my concern and my support. Do not let us forget that marriage is a partnership that demands adjustments, acceptance, tenderness, tolerance, forgiveness and most importantly – generous doses of love.

We do not try to know each other too much – but we keep trying to find the other in the openness of lovable times. We do not forget the other – in ourselves – but actually find ourselves by knowing the other so well. Our love should not be a ‘chain of slavery’ for the other; but the 2 wings that carry the bird to new heights and farther – towards you.

We are two different individuals and will react differently to situations. Please remind us to respect the differences. Do not let us assume that our own way is better than the others. Teach us to learn and consider generous alternatives.

Oh Lord! Fill my heart with kindness and generosity. Give us immense wisdom and understanding to build a compatible and satisfying life. We do not live in a mechanical life of satisfaction in everyday chores; we always find the vastness of love in the other and let the life be a season of joy – all ever and all together.

Oh Lord! Teach us to communicate openly with each other. Let us risk being open with our deepest feelings, fears, joys and hopes. Teach us to share our successes, failures, our doubts, our dreams and our love with the other to the fullest. Let us realize each other through strong dialogue and come to appreciate our partner.

We do not engage ourselves only in the thought of happiness and security of our oneself; but we open new doors of opportunity for the other; love everybody he/she cares for. Whoever comes in the nest of our life should just get the blessings of shelter and care. A relation that is blossoming like a flower; that spreads its fragrance all around; is an important relation for humanity. Instead of being inter-mingled in each other’s destiny; we both stay together like two ‘DIYAS’ in the prayer-dish.

After long years of togetherness – when you carry away anyone of us; at that time let not the other cry in grief. Let him/her be satisfied with the memories of how sweetly did we live together; and remember that we reached the end of ladder due to each others support.

Today, on my marriage; I pray thus to you, Oh my Lord!

- Reader of this prayer

Marriage....it is like your own house. It must be constantly tended and kept in good condition.

1. We must remove the residue of selfishness, thoughtlessness, just like how we keep our house clean.
2. We must repair it with patience and understanding, just like how we together keep our house well maintained.
3. Lastly, repaint it with trust, forgiveness and love, just like we keep our house attractive and peaceful.
Surely thus, the marriage is like owning and building a home sweet home!

What more could I say…..GOD BLESS YOU...!!

- When my heart speaks,

Chirag Khara

Surmising Life at 25..!!

Looking into 25 years of your life! Its such an amazing day on your 25th birthday for you! You have completed a quarter of centenary years...and what a life it has been! At the age of 25 years you have seen enough to at least engulf the truth of the life cycles in human beings. You have enough time beyond being matured now!

At the age of 25 years, you now try to reflect all that you have experienced in the general human life. And to give it an essence of being a nature's gift, lets try to relate the different stages of life with nature itself!

"Life is like the river. At its source the river is as small as the streamlet. However the water in it is crystal clear and very pure. It has huge potentials – and is ready to join other streamlets on the way. Similarly as a child; you have many hidden potentials and are filled with purity and innocence. Your actions, therefore are pure in conduct. You are ready to accept things more easily, make friends more easily, grasp things more easily. You believe in the concept of believing!

As the river starts from its source; it flows rapidly through mountains and huge terrains; gathering dust, sand and pebbles alongwith. Similarly we grow rapidly in childhood and collect all good and bad experiences along. We are breeding our nature – but the best part is that we ourselves don’t quite know about this (we are young enough to not understand that we are short tempered, or diplomatic, or lazy/crazy etc). The streamlets that joins the river add to the power flow. They are the friends and relatives we make. The larger rocks standing besides; are those special people whom we meet only a few times and who try to surmise what we would become. The water from these streamlets has helped to form the river. So also the good times and bad times with your set of friends and relatives, have brought about that nature of yours within you.

While going through the terrains; the river meets lots of hurdles. Stones and mud try to settle down the speed of its water, but the slope of these terrains and mountains help the river to carry on. This time of the journey characterizes YOUTHHOOD. While we are young and strong, we carry ourselves with full stamina and zeal against any problems that may arise. But the mud gathered due to our mistakes; tries to slow us down. The river however, knows how to deal with. It flows playfully and lets the mud accumulate on its banks, so that it can continue its journey. Similarly we tend to settle up; or ignore the consequences of our misdoings – and let it meet shores, so that we continue our youthful life.

As the river advances, it meets a plain land. It has flowed and grown from strength-to-strength. Even without a slope, the river continues to flow towards the sea. This is that part of transition in our life; where we become a responsible person. We have gained enough experience to become mature in behavior. We carry enough diverse experiences, learnings from the past, so can continue without a slope (a push from elders). This is that period of LONELINESS which everybody comes up with – that’s when the river learns its potential and also how much he needs the other river (eventually his/her life partner). In the plain region, the mud is settling; and water is clearer. As we mature, we learn from our mistakes, we become more rational and better individual, adapting to situations with our past experiences to help in better decision making. The amount of experiences gained; decides the spread area (or river bed) that the river occupies in the plain region. The wider the river, the more regions it can travel!

In its life; the river also experiences waterfalls. They are the symbols of sudden successes or failures in human life. These waterfalls erode the rocks on which they fall; creating further dents and making mud on the river bed. The waterfalls create sound and activity. These rocks here are those people who were closely affected during our success or failure. They are the people whom we may have hurt; in the ego during our success - or the people whom we have harassed out of the expectation of help and support during our failures. The dents symbolize those marks that are left while we experienced events learning the hard way out. The splatter and resounding voice of water hitting the rocks is the collections of emotions that come out and which affect our soul and its behavior with time. These dents are permanent; and every now and then; water keeps falling on the dent; which symbolizes how we always keep remembering our past.

At some stage the river passes through forests; where there is silence around. The sound of the flowing water is crystal clear and commanding. This time of the journey symbolizes the period of our supreme success. The trees and the greenery are the people around us who seem to be so good, during those success days. Your success makes you authorative and demanding in those moments. The clear clatter of water is the echo of your voice which is so demanding in the time of your success. Animals come to swim in, drink water from the river. It symbolizes those few people who have had some business association with you for sometime; or for whom you have done some favors in your life.

As you pass through; you embrace yet another river – your life partner. The other river has had its past; has gone through its share of hurdles, terrains, waterfalls and forests. When these rivers join the result is a covalent union of their flow rate - it’s their behavior in the combined sacred event of marriage. Now you face life in a covalent way, living for each other, even if you may complement in behavior and nature.

As the river is nearing the sea; it WIDENS. The water spreads and the mud settles down; as if it is never going to move. In our old age, we settle down. We cannot carry our mis-doings, ego or bad conduct any further. Small streamlets have found their source in the river. They are your children, breeding a new river further.

In the end, we meet the sea... our inevitable end. We are calm, unperturbed when we meet it. In our life as a river; we have always been accompanied with 2 characters; those about whose importance; we realize the least in our journey. That is the BANKS of the river, who are our parents and our SOUL which forms the RIVER BED. The banks of the river always follow the river. Our parents are our companions throughout the journey. When the river is overflowing, the mad rage of water affects the banks first. This symbolizes the times when a bad event or any decision made out of frustration, worsens situations in life, and more than anything or anybody else, our parents are affected the most. Still the river cannot flow or direct without the banks. The banks are like the two supports on which the river continues its journey.

The RIVER BED is always present, whether the river is dry or filled with water. It is our SOUL which remains with us always, even after our physical body leaves the ABODE of life.

Isn’t it so apt then; that life is like a river? That is why maybe after the death; the ashes of our body are put in the river GANGA. It is out of the hope that this human being, after his birth has gone through so many stages like the river; and is therefore worthwhile to live in the purity of the water of GANGA after his death.

It would thus be the best chance for him to experience REBIRTH.....the rebirth of his fine remembrance, his sweet memory in the heart of his relatives and his friends."

When your heart speaks,

- Chirag Khara

On My Birthday!

Oh Lord! Truly speaking, every new dawn that you gave, is a fresh gift to me from you. For every person everyday is a new start; but Lord, today is my birthday. That’s why, today’s day should be a day of special prayer, special remembrance and special resolutions that I must make.

Today O lord! I do not ask for health, fame, honour or richness; but if I at all get it; I want the strength from you; so that I can use all these powers for everybody’s welfare.

On this day Lord! I do not wish you to give me an easy and paved path to success; nor do I wish for great luck to by-pass all problems; but if that happens; than that success should make me obliged of you; and if it does not, than that failure makes me softer at heart and stronger at mind.

People say that childhood days are the best days of life. Days of youth bring excitement and joy. But this energy, this strength, this ‘MASTI’, I do not loose in vengeance; and I do not stray away from you; that’s what I wish Oh Lord! I ask from you that great understanding so that I can strive to live as a better self and in a truthful way.

At present all I should do is earn more and more; go more into competition and go ahead of others in the race of success; prayers will have to wait till my old age – this is what I should NOT BE THINKING – is what I wish from you, oh Lord. I know this because doing prayers; or coming nearer to you is not the matter of money or wishes, it’s just the matter of heart and desire.

When we are young, we live as if we are never going to be old, but even sunset cannot be averted, and no flower can stop withering. That’s why my pride, desirous success, and all these destroyable things around me should not remain with me, I plead so. And when they do get destroyed, I become more sound, more receptive, more kind and I get the energy to make my heart more softer – this is what I wish from you.

I am grateful to you that you gave me birth in this world. I wish for a heart which loves this world for you. You happily created this wondrous nature to spread happiness; and I wish that I do not pollute it with my ignorance, my own-wishes; and I try to love all animals, plants and water and this land as a whole.

Each day, I climb one step of the ladder. Each day I come closer to you. Everyday, with some god deeds, I express you O Almighty! Who stays in my heart. I, in my small way, will make this world a better place to live in. Every moment I try to cheer myself, impress myself with good deeds, so that in the process of finding you in me - I start loving myself. Every year when today comes; I take another oath to make my next year more fruitful and I come more nearer to you.

Each birthday’s comes, and adds one more year to my life. It reminds me how quickly time is crossing, moving or rather flowing. Every moment is precious, when the inevitable end comes – I do not know. Tomorrow, I may not be there, so today I need to live to think that all my days - I begin a new life. At the same time, each day I am ready to spread my violet cloak in front of you.

Oh Lord, today on my birthday; I ask thus from you.

- Chirag Khara